khamkeo-vilaysing-OcxlTBbb6SY-unsplash.j

Couples Counselling -
it's never too late

Has your Love Story fallen to pieces?

Or maybe you're just numb.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve reached a threshold.

You may be thinking:

“This is not working. It's too painful. Something needs to change...NOW!”

You’re right. Something does need to change.

But WHAT? WHO? HOW?

As humans, we have a core set of needs that drive all of our emotions & behaviours.

When those needs are met in our intimate relationship we experience immense joy, passion and pleasure. Life is great! However when those needs are NOT met, we start to feel distant and disconnected to our partner and we suffer deeply.

Problem is, none of us learned relational skills in school, nor did we learn about the emotional & psychological "needs" of our partner. Further, as men and women (with opposing but complimentary masculine & feminine energies) our needs are quite different.

couples therapy

christiana-rivers-3_mQjo4Vb6A-unsplash.j

Believe ...

Love lost can be love found.

Proven Methods

Thankfully, research into couples therapy over the past 15-20 years has provided some extremely effective coaching models. For instance, EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy) based on Attachment Theory has an impressive 75-80% success rate. In my practice, I combine the principles of EFT together with those of Human Needs Psychology.

One Session. Zero Risk.

As you’ll soon discover (if you haven’t already), the vast majority of marriage counsellors insist on couples committing to a minimum number of sessions (6, 10 or even 12) and some request payment upfront. Naturally, it may take a few sessions before a couple starts to see progress. However due to the intimate nature of couples counselling, and the importance of the client-therapist relationship, personally I don’t believe anyone should be locked into a contract for a fixed number of sessions.

My approach is slightly different. I invite couples to come in for one session and try it. Hopefully by the end of the first session you'll have received significant value and then choose to continue. Learn more about the "risk free" first session - click here.

Where Did the Love Go?

Having worked with hundreds of couples over the years, you start to see common patterns and the critical "pain points."

Typically when a relationship is no longer working or healthy (on a downward spiral) there are several factors at play. It's rarely due to one single issue or incident.

Within couples counselling, as a start, we explore 5 key areas:

Unmet Needs: My Needs vs My Partner's Needs
Conflict Patterns: The Cycle of Harmony-Disharmony-Repair
Masculine & Feminine: Understanding the Differences
Where's the Love? Emotions / Actions / Expectations
Hard Conversations: What's NOT Being Talked About?

Gentleman, I know, it ain't easy...

As men, we're wired to solve problems and "fix things" and in general we're very good at it. Therefore the thought of seeking outside help in the form of "couples counselling" does not sit well with most of us. We'd rather figure it out on our own! For that, I have much respect. I truly do. However at the same time if your relationship is falling apart in front of you, I invite you to consider two things:

1. Whatever you and your partner have been doing up to this point probably isn't working (in terms of a long-term solution to the pain and frustration). Maybe all you need is a new approach. Or possibly some new understandings. Or someone to point out the blind spots. Couples counselling can help with this.

2. The simple act of agreeing to attend couples counselling is an ACT OF LOVE. It's a big first step. It shows your woman that you care enough to make HER and the RELATIONSHIP a priority (of course the opposite is also true).

What Can You Expect?

Short answer -

You can expect to learn a good deal about yourself, your partner and the underlying dynamics that drive the relationship. You will learn HOW your partner's core needs and fears are driving their behaviour; and how with a fresh set of eyes, and some new understandings you truly can turn back time and rebuild the love you once shared.

Long answer -

Beyond the 5 core topics listed above, here are some "micro" topics typically covered in couples counselling -

the biggest hurdle couples face once they commit to couples counselling (caveat: if you get past this first hurdle, you save yourself a lot of time and money)

understanding why polarization is essential for intimacy and deep connection

the six core human needs (and why meeting your partner’s needs will virtually guarantee a turn-around in your relationship)

how to recover from infidelity, how to rebuild trust and how to move forward

the difference between communication and connection

how to recognize your own fear-based responses; and flip them into love-based responses

why “talk time” is essential for women, whereas “cave time” is critical for men (hint: it’s related to hormones)

understanding the “polarity paradox” and how it potentially ruins your sex life

how to get past the “blame game” and to understand the futility in it

why women in general do not feel seen or heard; whereas men in general feel criticized and underappreciated

how to balance the “need for connection” with the “need for freedom” (an all too common, but often misunderstood struggle between the masculine & feminine)

the most effective ways for making crucial love deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account (for that, you need to know their love language!)

how to empathize with your partner’s deepest fears and worries, and hear their "call for help" (rather than be triggered or react unconsciously)

why what you’ve been taught about “listening” is probably all wrong (and how to finally get it right so your partner truly feels heard at the deepest level)

discover what makes her “so crazy” and what makes him “so angry”

learn what triggers the standard "fight, flight or freeze" response during heated debates (and learn to break the pattern with a different response - one that builds connection)

acknowledging an imbalance in sexual desire; and learning new ways to enhance desire so both partners are "in the mood" more consistently

how to connect with your woman when she's upset or being "overly emotional"

likewise, how to connect with your man when he's angry or seeking space and freedom

how to finally break free from the "argument trap" (that dreaded argument that goes round in circles, never gets resolved, and leaves you both feeling exhausted and frustrated)
why our partners are, in effect, the perfect portal to reveal where we are not whole or free