Infidelity -
betrayal, deep pain and the path forward
This Might Surprise You...
The number one reason couples come in for counselling, at least in my practice, is not due to lack of love, loss of connection or miscommunication..... rather infidelity.
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Statistically, it stands at roughly 70%. That means 7 out of 10 couples that reach out, do so because one partner has been unfaithful.
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Does that mean HK has a higher rate of infidelity compared to other cities? Or that I tend to attract all the "cheaters"? Not likely.
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The GOOD NEWS is that for most couples the infidelity actually serves as a catalyst. It becomes a "rock bottom" moment in the relationship, a turning point. It's a wake-up call for some of the underlying issues, that for whatever reason were not being addressed.
Shock , Sorrow & Sadness
The trauma and shock of infidelity is usually heart-wrenching for the deceived partner.
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If there were no warning signs or red flags (which is often the case) it's like being blindsided by a cement truck.
The pain and confusion can be overwhelming.
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"How did this happen? Why? How dare you?
Who are you, anyway!? I don't deserve this!"
Hope & Healing
And yet, amidst the chaos and despair most people hold on to the one thing (the ONLY thing) that seems to make sense - FAITH.
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Faith in love, faith in each other and faith in a better tomorrow.
The Healing Journey: 5 Crucial Steps
1
coming clean
** full acknowledgment of pain caused
** 100% responsibility for actions
** a real (no BS) commitment to change
short-term expectations
** actions, boundaries and "rules" to rebuild trust
** making time together a top priority
** holding space for emotional healing
2
3
the psychology of infidelity
** understanding "WHY" it happened
** breaking the pattern; healing the child
** core needs met/unmet
mending the cracks
4
** addressing core issues & pain points
** the Truth about what wasn't working
** letting go of resentments, old hurts
5
marriage 2.0
** What does that mean?
** What does that look like?
** new identities; new ways of being together
Emotional Pendulum
At the heart of a deceived partner's pain and suffering, you typically find two core emotions - sadness and anger.
In the aftermath of an affair it's quite common for the deceived partner to swing back and forth between these two emotional states for a period of time. Could be weeks, months or even years.
Sadness
Grief
Despair
Betrayal
Doubt
Anger
Rage
Disgust
Confusion
Loathing
Word of warning: these two core emotions are essential in the initial stages of recovery and should NOT be ignored or downplayed. They need to be embraced with empathy and processed gently and slowly. Patience is key.
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However over time without the right guidance and support, a betrayed partner can feel "stuck" and helpless, trapped in a sea of negative emotions & thoughts, glued to the past and the horrible memory of what happened... unable to move forward and beyond.
"Take just 10% of the energy and attention you put into your affair, and put that into your marriage! That will solve 90% of the problems."
- Esther Perel
